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Residency

2010-07-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

Wow...so many cobwebs in this space.

Anyhow, this is the perfect place to let my thoughts roam. Man...this residency shindig is kicking my ass physically, emotionally and mentally. Have you ever felt so miserable and helpless that you just want to quit your job? So, one of the problems with my situation is that there is no one I can talk to. It's either they don't understand the situation since they haven't done this or even if they appear to understand, I can't continuously keep whining, complaining about the situation...after all I do have 3 more years of being disgruntled left. No one can fully prepare you for residency. It is a hard thing to explain. Medical school was hard, being away from family in a foreign land is hard...but this is quite simply the hardest. I wake up early 95% of the time. I work late 85% of the time. Last academic year, I had 4 weekends off the entire year. I have sometimes had to go 20days without a day off. I don't know if this is the crux of the matter; but all i know, is that I care less and less about learning. I also care less and less about patient care. I just simply feel sad. My body and psyche need more days off. It is not uncommon for me to cry myself to sleep, when the whole day seems like a power struggle between some disgruntled patient and my senior or administration, with me being torn in the middle. I never realized how important "rest" is until residency. I don't have my family in close vicinity, neither do I have a significant other...that quite simply and honestly makes it harder. I have friends...yea, i talk to them ever so often but it is not enough. Sometimes, it is not all about talking. If I come home, so stressed and upset, it would be nice to just have someone hug me, and tell me it will be ok. I can't explain it except to say that when I was in medical school and had my room mate, there were things she could see and understand, that a phone call simply cannot convey. They say life as an attending is great, I have no doubt it is, but how can I survive the next 3 years? WHy did I not do dentistry or pharmacy? WHy did i not pick a specialty that has easier residency like radiology or pathology or psychiatry? WHy did i not match into an easier program? I have no idea. I am on an H1 visa, so I cant just up and quit, or up and find another residency. Plus, as I was researching changing residency programs, I kept getting calls from my Loan people saying that my period of deferment has passed and I need to start making payments. How do I feel? TRAPPED!!!

I like the topic/concept of medicine, I just simply HATE HATE HATE residency, and if could do it all over again, my love of medicine is not enough for me to go through residency...and I would not do it. Well..this was just a vent. I am done for now. I have no choice, but to try one day at a time. Today was a good day, but i still feel exhausted. Been thinking I should look into whether we get free counseling sessions, maybe that might help...sigh.

Veterans

2009-08-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a hot minute. My purpose of opening this blog was to jot about DAILY events at work 1. as a stress reliever and 2. so that I might sell a book one day or get a TV script, since America loves medical shows. Anyhow, that is obviously not happening, cos when I get home, I plop on my bed or couch to sleep or veg.

So I have spent the last 1.5 odd weeks at the ICU in the Veterans Hospital and it's been such an eye opener. The hospital itself is beautiful, pretty clean and has a first class computer system where tests, medical records, xrays etc can all be accessed online. Not feeling the cafeteria though. But despite all the amenities, the patients themselves are some of the saddest I have ever seen. In addition to all their regular medical problems, ALL of them that actually served in some war all have some mental illness/substance abuse/alcoholism component which makes treating them harder, yes, but makes it that much sadder.

So I have learnt that no matter how good those army benefits sound, is it really worth it when you can't function in society afterwards? I am definitely grateful to all the young soldiers out there fighting for their country 'cos someone has to do it...but I can't help but feel sad for them too.

Orientation

2009-06-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

Day 1 of orientation was great overall! I had that feeling of being a newbie and having to introduce myself to others, feeling awkward, sure i looked fat in my white pants etc. But I was so glad, that the residents were nice. The chief resident is HILARIOUS! had us quaking with fear initially, but he was just joking.

First impressions:
I come from a private med school/hospital so I have been a little spoiled. This hospital is associated with a state university so like all state funded thingies, is not maintained well in certain areas. They are not completely rid of paper charts, while i can't remember the last time i saw somethng not on computer. However, I am psyched at being exposed to something different.

- this hospital is a freaking maze, i hope i learn my way quick!
- I LOVE that the cafeteria has starbucks and a chinese restauant
-fellow intern B is cute and pretty chatty. He's engaged so don't worry I am not entertaining lustful thoughts.
- this hospital doesn't have much money. I don't even know if I have any perks, this one they've been hiding the contracts from us :)

Congrats

2009-06-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

Wow I can't believe I am attempting a new blog. Anyways I didn't like how my professional life sometimes crossed into my other blog, so i decided to have an outlet for my expriences as a newly minted physcian. With all the mental/emotional pressure physicians are prone to, here's hoping that this will be cathartic. Forgive the wacky colors, I just needed something mega cheery for the days I feel like killing myself after work.