Monday, July 19, 2010

Residency many cobwebs in this space.
Anyhow, this is the perfect place to let my thoughts roam. Man...this residency shindig is kicking my ass physically, emotionally and mentally. Have you ever felt so miserable and helpless that you just want to quit your job? So, one of the problems with my situation is that there is no one I can talk to. It's either they don't understand the situation since they haven't done this or even if they appear to understand, I can't continuously keep whining, complaining about the situation...after all I do have 3 more years of being disgruntled left. No one can fully prepare you for residency. It is a hard thing to explain. Medical school was hard, being away from family in a foreign land is hard...but this is quite simply the hardest. I wake up early 95% of the time. I work late 85% of the time. Last academic year, I had 4 weekends off the entire year. I have sometimes had to go 20days without a day off. I don't know if this is the crux of the matter; but all i know, is that I care less and less about learning. I also care less and less about patient care. I just simply feel sad. My body and psyche need more days off. It is not uncommon for me to cry myself to sleep, when the whole day seems like a power struggle between some disgruntled patient and my senior or administration, with me being torn in the middle. I never realized how important "rest" is until residency. I don't have my family in close vicinity, neither do I have a significant other...that quite simply and honestly makes it harder. I have friends...yea, i talk to them ever so often but it is not enough. Sometimes, it is not all about talking. If I come home, so stressed and upset, it would be nice to just have someone hug me, and tell me it will be ok. I can't explain it except to say that when I was in medical school and had my room mate, there were things she could see and understand, that a phone call simply cannot convey. They say life as an attending is great, I have no doubt it is, but how can I survive the next 3 years? WHy did I not do dentistry or pharmacy? WHy did i not pick a specialty that has easier residency like radiology or pathology or psychiatry? WHy did i not match into an easier program? I have no idea. I am on an H1 visa, so I cant just up and quit, or up and find another residency. Plus, as I was researching changing residency programs, I kept getting calls from my Loan people saying that my period of deferment has passed and I need to start making payments. How do I feel? TRAPPED!!!
I like the topic/concept of medicine, I just simply HATE HATE HATE residency, and if could do it all over again, my love of medicine is not enough for me to go through residency...and I would not do it. Well..this was just a vent. I am done for now. I have no choice, but to try one day at a time. Today was a good day, but i still feel exhausted. Been thinking I should look into whether we get free counseling sessions, maybe that might help...sigh.